Review: Love and Respect

Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerich

Wow! This book was recommended to me several years ago by a friend and I finally have gotten around to read it! (Thanks Lesley!)

I found myself saying. "Oh wow!" often throughout which is a really good sign that a book has usable I formation worth applying to my life.

What Dr Eggerich has done here is taken a look into his own marriage and found a pattern he calls "the crazy cycle". This is when a seemingly innocent topic turns into a giant fight full of hurt feelings that just keeps going around and around and around.

He identifies the basic needs of men a women. Women need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. Of course men also need love and women need respect also but if asked would you rather have a life without live but be respected or a life without respect but be loved, most men would answer the first and most women the second. I had never thought if it that way.

At first glance it sounds sexist. He used the following verse:

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33 NIV)

Feminists everywhere hiss and claim this verse to be written and distorted to fit the male agenda. But Eggerich shows that this verse was never meant to be sexist. Some people have been terribly wrong to use it as such. He discusses how men by nature feel a strong need to protect and provide for their families and women by nature have a strong need to nurture and love their families. We all know these to be true. Don't the men in our lives feel their bests when they have rescued someone, won an athletic competition, been successful at work or were able to provide something for their family? Doesn't it crush them if they fail in one of these areas? And women don't we feel our best when we receive affirmation from someone we love or are able to nurture a person or pet? Wouldnt we bounce back faster from loosing a job than feeling unloved?

I encourage everyone to read this book but if nothing else read the following page of acronyms which list the things that are most important to each gender and if used against them can be the most crushing things as well.

Excerpt from “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, pgs. 260-261

How Does a Husband Spell Love to His Wife?
As we have seen, love to wives is spelled C-O-U-P-L-E. Following is a brief review of these six concepts. If a husband memorizes and uses even one or two of them each day, he will do his part in keeping the Energizing Cycle going. Husbands should ask themselves these questions:

1. Closeness - Am I always remembering to move toward her and accept her need to talk and connect with me to be reassured of my love?

2. Openness - Do I share my thoughts with her, and am I sure Iʼm not resisting her efforts to draw me out?

3. Understanding - Am I careful not to try to “fix” her every time she talks about one of her concerns or problems? Am I remembering that she is an integrated personality and whatever happens affects all of her, especially her emotions?

4. Peacemaking - Am I always willing to resolve issues, and am I careful to never say, “Letʼs just drop it and move on”?

5. Loyalty - Do I constantly look for ways to tell her that I will be loyal to her forever - that sheʼs the one love of my life, the only woman for me?

6. Esteem - Do I always let her know that I treasure her and put highest value on her as a person? Do I let her know that what she does and thinks are important to me? Does she know I couldnʼt possibly do without her?

How Does a Wife Spell Respect for Her Husband?
A wife spells respect for her husband C-H-A-I-R-S and uses these six concepts to let him know how important and vital he is to her. Wives should ask themselves these questions:
1. Conquest - Am I always standing behind him and letting him know I support him in his work and endeavors in his field?

2. Hierarchy - Do I let him know I respect and appreciate his desire to protect and provide for me and the family? What have I said recently to communicate this?

3. Authority - Have I gone on record that, because he has the primary responsibility for me (even to die for me), I recognize him as having the primary authority? Do I let him be the leader? How have I helped in that regard recently?

4. Insight - Do I trust his ability to analyze things and offer solutions and not just depend on my “intuition”?

5. Relationship - Do I spend shoulder-to-shoulder time with him whenever I can? Do I let him know that I am his friend as well as his lover?

6. Sexuality - Do I honor his need for sexual release even when I donʼt feel like it?

As a husband spells out love to his wife through C-O-U-P-L-E and a wife spells out respect to her husband through C-H-A-I-R-S, they canʼt help but meet each otherʼs needs. The beauty of it is, if you meet a need in your spouse, it will come back to you as your spouse meets one of your needs.